


Not a  girl

by Wolfgirl_01



Series: Voltron Oneshots (Keith-centric) [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Allura doesn't know, Allura doesn't listen, Allura doesn't understand, Battle scares, Body Dysphoria, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Keith is misgendered, Keith self-harms, Nightmares, Sad Keith (Voltron), Self-Harm, Trans Keith (Voltron), Trans Male Keith (Voltron), sorrynotsorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 08:40:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17464178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfgirl_01/pseuds/Wolfgirl_01
Summary: One week after Pidge told everyone she was a girl, one of the mice come to Allura and tell her another secret. She was so excited that she hurt someone without knowing it.





	Not a  girl

**Author's Note:**

> Tw for self-harm

It was now nearly a week ago that Pidge had told them she was a girl. Allura was so happy about it, now she wasn't the only woman in the castle. Now one of the mice came running into the control room and whispered her some exciting news. As soon as Allura heard the news she bolted out of the room in sheer excitement. She didn't even knock when she bursted into Keith's room. Keith was so startled that he pulled his knive and nearly threw it at Allura but stopped when he saw who she was.  
"You need something?" Asked Keith.  
"Why didn't you tell us you were a girl too?"  
Keith looked shocked, hurt and angry.  
"I'm not a girl," Keith said.  
"Keith, come on, you don't have to hide it any longer, the mice told me."  
"Allura, I mean it, I. Am. Not. A. Girl."  
"Keith come on, you can tell us, we won't judge you, just like we didn't judge Pidge. Well whatever I got things to do, but tell the others soon."  
That's all she said and then she left.

Keith couldn't really think after that conversation, he was full of anxiety and anger. Who was she to just tell him he was a girl and not listening to him. Who was she to just make assumptions about him, he wanted to yell at her tell her to shut up. In the end his anxiety overruled his anger, what if she told the others, what would they do and how had she immediately believed what the mice told her. Keith looked into the mirror, did he really look that feminine again. He thought, and looked into the mirror again as dysphoria crawled under his skin.

Asaid from Keith's hopes, it didn't stay by that one conversation with Allura. She hadn't told anyone yet but she often came to him, told him he should just admit it, told him that he could have one of Alluras dresses and that he no longer had to pretend. But every time Allura left for something important and Keith never had time to tell her he was not a girl and explain it to her.

Keith's dysphoria got worse over the days, he started to avoid Allura  and every reflecting surface in the castle. He even stopped showering after training, which he now did more often to get more muscle, and wore his binder way to long. Then one day his dysphoria wasn't as bad and he thought he could shower after training in his binder, which he knew he shouldn't do. So after training for a bit he went to the showers, he first made sure that no one else was there. He took of his binder and hide it so even if someone came in they wouldn't see it, and went to shower. As he showered he didn't ones look down, always keeping his head up and washed himself as fast as possible. When he got out of the shower as soon as he was clean but as he went to get his clothes, they were gone, instead there was a dress laying on the side. Keith was furious, why had Allura done this, why did she go so far. A tear slipped down his face. Did he really look that feminine again after not taking testosterone for a while, that Allura didn't believe him that he was a boy. He took his binder from the place he had hidden it and put it on, pulled the towel around him and dashed to his room hopping no one would see him. To his look everyone was at dinner and the halls were free. When he finally arrived in his room he first looked the door. His skin was itching with dysphoria and he couldn't get his mind of his body. He tried everything to not think about all the parts he didn't want, everything to distract himself, but he was in a bad headspace. TW: START He was clean for 2 years now, he wouldn't start again. He really tried not to cut again,  but the last few days wore down on him and dysphoria made his skin crawl and itch. In the end he took the little razor blade from the bathroom and sat down on the toilet. He didn't even think before the blade met his arm, ha made a few cuts and felt better, but guilt crashed down on him immediately after. TW: END He had just broken his 2 years clean, he should tell Shiro, he thought about it. He scratched the thought from his mind, Shiro already way to much on his shoulders, as the leader of Voltron and the year of torture. He couldn't be another burden on Shiro's shoulder.

It went on for a week Allura didn't talk to him that often but dysphoria was on his back so the cutting didn't stop. He tried not to do it again, often thought about telling Shiro but in the end he kept to himself. One night he had a nightmare about one of his old forster homes, they hadn't accepted him, had beaten him up over it and punished him in other ways. He woke up screaming with sweat and tears running down his face, he took the blade to his skin AGAIN. Keith went to eat breakfast after bandaging his arms, hopping no one had heard him scream.  
His hopes were shattered when Lance asked him, "did you have a nightmare, I heard you scream this morning."  
Shiro looked at him in concern.  
"It was just a nightmare, don't worry about it."  
After breakfast Shiro held Keith back.  
"Keith what's wrong, you only ever have Nightmares when your dysphoria is bad, are you in a bad headspace?"  
"Shiro, I'm fine, it's just that we're fighting against aliens in giant robotic cats."  
"Fine, but if anything is wrong, tell me, you know you can always talk to me, okay."  
You could tell him that you need help, could tell him what Allura is doing, could tell him that you relapsed. Keith pushed that thought away.  
"Yeah, I know, thanks Shiro."  
Over the time it became easy for him to lie, say that he was fine and keep going.

The next morning he woke up an hour before the others. He tried to sleep again but he couldn't stop thinking about his body. He had already cut last night and swore he wouldn't do it yet again. So he went to the control room to watch the stars until the others woke up. A while later Allura came in.  
"Morning", she said, but Keith didn't answer." Keith you know that they would all accept you, right? They wouldn't think any different of you, so you can stop pretending, wouldn't you feel better after that."  
Keith had crossed his arms defensefly over his chest.  
" I am not pretending, God damnit."Keith shouted just as Shiro came in.  
" What's wrong? Keith?" Shiro looked over to Keith concern in his eyes.  
" Nothing," Keith said.  
" Why don't you stop pretending," Allura said in a harsh voice,"why try to hide it anyways?"  
"Hide what?" Lance and the others came in.  
"Everyone, Keith has to tell you something," Allura announced.  
"No I don't," Keith said angry as he made his way to the door.  
"Why won't you just admit it, it's not like it's that hard," Allura said.  
"Admit what," Hunk asked curies.  
"That SHE is a girl," Allura said.  
Keith stoped dead in his tracks, his heart beading loudly, and his skin crawling. He diged his nails into his arms reopening some of the cuts from last night.  
"He-She's a girl, I didn't know so what's your real name?"  
That hurt, they immediately believed her, not even questioning it, he must look really feminine again,he started scratching his arms, reopening more cuts to relish in the pain. Maby he really was a girl.  
" Guys that's enough," Shiro yelled angry. Everyone was startled, they had never seen Shiro so angry.  
"But why wouldn't she just admit that she's a girl."Allura said also angry.  
" Because HES not a girl HES a boy."  
Keith just wanted to die, he never wanted to be talked to with female pronounce again.  
" Shiro stop, maby she's right and it really is just a phase, maby I just want attention like they always said."  
Keith's mumbled sounding exhausted and broken.  
" Keith, no, nono, don't be like that." Shiro sounded desperate.  
"I'm going to train... or... something." Keith said now infront of the door.  
"Keith, I'm not leaving you alone right now, not when you're in a bad headspace."  
"I'm fine Shiro." Keith opened the door.  
"Wait, Keith you're bleeding," Lance said pointing to Keith's hand, blood was dripping down his hand. Keith hadn't even realized it, only concentrating on the pain.  
"Why are you bleeding," asked Hunk concerned.  
"Must be a injury from training, it's fine." He wanted to leave, but Hunk grabbed his wrist, Keith flinched a little.  
"Wait Keith, ah sorry, I should probably stop calling you that, ah so I could fix that real quick, I mean if you don't mind, since you're a girl?"  
"I do mind," Keith said angry, he pulled his hand free and opened the door just to bump right into Coran.  
"Oh my number 4 you're bleeding, let me check that real quick."  
Before anyone could say anything Coran had already pulled up Keith's sleeve and stopped. Keith's arm was littered in little small cuts, some of them reopened and bleeding quite strong, and white scars.  
"Those are unusual battle injuries."  
Everyone stared with a shooked expression. "Keith, omg what happened?" Everyone asked, aside from Shiro he looked sad, but knowing.  
"That's enough everyone, Coran you get some bandages and disinfectants, everyone else in the common room, Allura you were really insensitive. And Keith you're not running away we are talking about this and the others need to know."  
They all went to the common room and waited for Coran. Shiro let Keith to one of the couches and set him down. The silence was suffocating no one wanted to say anything and Keith just stared at the floor, scratching sometimes but being stopped by Shiro.  
"So, why did Keith do that, waths going on, Shiro?"  
Lance finally broke the silence.  
"Is it because he had to pretend to be a boy?" Hunk asked.  
"Hunk stop your making it worse," Shiro said as he snatched Keith's hands away from the cuts again.  
"Okay so, first of all, Keith is not a girl."  
"But the mice told me so?!"  
"Yeah, they're still wrong," Keith snapped, "they told you I have the fucking body of a fucking girl, but I'm still a boy."  
Pidge gasped," you're trans, omg we're so sorry."  
Coran came in with the supplies.  
"Here you go number 1."  
"Thanks Coran, Keith gimme your arm." Keith hesitated. "Come on Keith we need to get that cleaned up."  
"Why don't we put him in a pod?" Coran asked.  
"This is not something that should be healed in a pot, even though I would like it to be." "Keith is it as bad as that time?" Keith shook his head.  
"Show me," Shiro said in a soothing voice. Keith finally handed him his arm and Shiro slowly pulled his sleeve up again until he uncovered all the small red lines, they reached nearly until his shoulder. The others gasped and Pidge, Hunk and Lance started crying.  
" If you don't mind me asking, where did you get these kind of wounds." Coran asked.  
"You want to tell him or should I do it?" Shiro asked, Keith hesitated again, but then he spoke.  
"I did that..." He mummbled.  
"What" Coran and Allura asked.  
"They are self-inflicted." Keith said a bit louder.  
Allura and Coran gasped, "but.... why."  
"You want to tell us what upset you?" Shiro asked encouraging Keith to talk.  
"So as you may or may not know by now, I am transgender, which means I was born in the body of a girl but I am a boy."  
"Why didn't you tell me," Allura asked.  
"I tried but you didn't listen," Keith spat back.  
Pidge hit Allura, "you really fucked up this time."  
"Guys, let's first continue." Shiro said.  
"Okay, so do you all remember when Pidge told us all she was girl?, well around a week after that Allura came bursting into my room asking why a hadn't told you I was girl too and that you all wouldn't judge me, I tried to tell her I wasn't a girl but she wouldn't listen. From then on conversations like that continued when I was alone with Allura. My dysphoria grew worse, if you wonder what dysphoria is, its when you're in discomfort, loathing, anxiety, and depression with your body, gender or sex. It can lead to anxiety and depression problems as well as depersonalization, thoughts of suicide, social withdrawal and self harm, as you can see. I had problems with dysphoria before but Allura made it worse, since I didn't have any testosterone left and I heard your body can change back if you don't take testosterone for a while. So I thought I must look more... feminine again if Allura didn't belive me. I started training more to look more manly, I stopted showering and started to avoid any reflecting surfaces wore my binder for more than 8 hours and started training with it."  
"You did what," Pidge asked. "Wearing a binder for more than 8 hours and exercising with it can seriously fuck up your lungs. What were you thinking."  
"Well it made me feel better ceased my dysphoria a bit."  
"What's a Binder," the others asked.  
"It's a piece of clothing that constricts your chest so it looks flater."  
"Keith, please continue." Shiro asked.  
"Fine, so when I felt a little better I went to shower, but when I came out my clothes were gone and there was a dress. Thats what broke me, I was so angry and I couldn't control myself, I just needed something to feel better and so I cut."  
"Why didn't you tell me you relapsed." Shiro asked.  
"I didn't want to bother you, you already have so much to deal with, I didn't want to add to that."  
"Keith you wouldn't have bothered me, you know I'm always there to talk if you need me."  
"I know and I really thought about it more than once, before I cut for the first time after 2 years clean. But I needed something to make me fell better fast and I just did it, I didn't even think about it that much before actually doing it. And afterwards I felt so guilty that I relapsed that I just, I don't know.... Well after that I started cutting regularly again. And all that lead to today."  
" I'm so sorry," Allura said," this is all my fault."  
"Yes it is," Keith said without remorse," and a sorry won't cut it. You hurt me to much, selfharming is an addiction, it will take long to stop doing it again, it's you're fault I relapsed. I just can't forgive you, I had hoped to never be called a girl again or be called by female pronouns again. But you did, and it hurt."  
" I'm really sorry, Keith," Allura said again," I understand your reasons, but will you at least let me make it up to you and help you in your journey to get better?"  
"I will think about it, by the way, I liked how you called them battle scars, Coran, because they really are, it hard to fight your own mind everyday."  
"You really are a brave and strong warrior." Coran said, and the others agreed.

After that incident everyone helped to get Keith into a good headspace again. Pidge and Coran created space testosterone. Shiro worked out with Keith more and made sure he didn't overwork himself. Lance reassured him in his manliness and Allura helped where she could. They distracted Keith if he needed it and helped him clean up if he did cut again. They never were disappointed even if he did, always just happy that he made little steps to getting better.


End file.
